A Bumper Crop of Garlic Mustard


A confused Mequon gardener announced on Wednesday that he had raised “the most awesome crop of garlic mustard ever” in his herb garden. At a recent Thornapple Court barbeque, Warren Crampee raised a glass of lager and promised that come harvest time, he would deliver jars of Warren’s Dijon Garlic Mustard to everyone at the party. In fact, a third beverage inspired Crampee to call and pledge bushels of the noxious weed to nearby Ozaukee food pantries.

Although Crampee is considered to be a nice, generous, simple man by those who know him, relations with his neighbors are being strained by his ignorance of horticulture and his apparent love of harmful, invasive plant species.

“This isn’t new for Warren,” one neighbor commented on the condition of anonymity. “Last year, he was all about his beautiful ‘Wild Parsnip Patch.’ He promised everyone carmelized roasted parsnip casseroles, but ended up with nothing but weeping blisters and dark brown blotches all over his body.”

Some of his friends are now estranged from Crampee, due to his poor botanical choices. “I haven’t spoken with him for three years!” complained Mildred DePardeau of Eastwyn Bay. “Ever since that idiot poisoned me with a Buckthorn Berry Pie!” Buckthorn berries are known to act as a stimulating laxative and can cause heart arrhythmias and increased urine flow.

Crampee lives alone with a pitbull terrier and boa constrictor in his 1960s style split-level home. He enjoys watching Fox News, collecting old mercury thermometers and, of course, gardening.