Crime & Confusion in Cedarburg


There is a new style of crime emerging in Cedarburg, a suburb that is establishing itself as a magnet for moronic mayhem. According to police reports, perps are committing asinine, petty crimes, then engaging law enforcement in playground-style deceptions.
A simple example: On March 17, a 22-year-old Cedarburg man called police to report that a bartender assaulted him at a tavern on fashionable Washington Avenue. When police spoke with the bartender, he told them it was the patron who had attacked him. Witnesses concurred, saying the patron had punched the barkeep in the mouth. The police called the Cedarburg patron several times, but he never answered – and has not responded to voice mail messages. The investigation continues.
The very next day, March 18th, a 51-year-old man ordered food, drinks and a pack of butts worth $28 at Morton’s Wisconsin Inn on Center Street. As he ate his food, he would step in and out of the establishment to talk on his cell phone. Finally, he just stepped out and disappeared. Fortunately for Morton’s, this genius left behind his book and a letter, so he was identified and contacted – and he returned to pay his bill with a credit card. But alas, the card was rejected because “someone in Milwaukee” had fraudulently run up a huge bill.
At this point, one wishes that caning was legalized in Ozaukee County – but only for the exceptionally thick and annoying. The patron now claimed that his car had been stolen, but when this delusion was checked up on, they found his car near the Cultural Center, where he left it. He then said that in order to pay the bill, he needed to go to his bank in downtown Milwaukee. When told that his bank had a branch in the area, he insisted he had to go to Milwaukee – but nobody bought that one. Police accompanied him to the local branch of the bank, then left the scene. The restaurant later contacted police that the man had never returned to pay his bill. Police mailed the man a ticket for fraud on March 19th.
If there is one benefit to the brutal winters in this region, it is that, along with the rest of us, society’s pungent perpetrators of petty crime tend to hibernate through the season. As the weather warms, let us hope that a glut of sordid simpletons do not migrate from C’burg to Mequon.