‘Keep It in Your Pants’ Day Rises Again!

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While the rest of the country may be celebrating Valentine’s Day, people in Oz County should be celebrating abstinence. That’s what the Ozaukee County Board believes and that’s why, two years ago, they created a new countywide holiday to compete with the one for lovers.
“’Keep It in Your Pants’ Day shines a light on the epidemics of teenage pregnancy, STDs and, well, just the lurid, dirty, sinfulness of love and sex,” declared conservative board member Hans Prielig. “We think it’s wrong to glorify romantic love, especially to a generation who can’t keep their junk to themselves!’
The vote to approve was nearly unanimous. Only Sonny Brueger, a libertarian from Saukville, dissented. “I ain’t sayin’ I’m for everybody sexin’ it up,” said Sonny. “I just don’t want government crawlin’ all up in everybody’s pants.”
Due to deep budget cuts, the holiday was not celebrated last year. But a buoyant, “teabagger” attitude prevails these days throughout the land, so funds have been found to revive a few modest events. The 2nd Semi-Annual Keep It in Your Pants Party for Teens is tentatively scheduled for February 10th at Circle B Recreation in Cedarburg – boys will bowl on lanes 1 – 10, girls on lanes 16 – 25.

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