Keep It In Your Pants Day Rises Yet Again!


While the rest of the country is celebrating Valentine’s Day, people in Oz County should be celebrating abstinence. That’s what the Ozaukee County Board believes and that’s why, three years ago, they created a countywide holiday to compete with the one for lovers.
“’Keep It in Your Pants’ Day shines a light on the epidemics of teenage pregnancy, STDs and, well, just the lurid, dirty, sinfulness of love and sex,” declared conservative board member Hans Prielig. “We think it’s wrong to glorify romantic love, especially to a generation who can’t keep their junk to themselves!”
The vote to approve was nearly unanimous. Only Sonny Brueger, a libertarian from Saukville, dissented. “I ain’t sayin’ I’m for everybody sexin’ it up,” said Sonny. “I just don’t want government crawlin’ all up in everybody’s pants.”
Due to deep budget cuts, the holiday has only been celebrated sporadically since its inception. Fortunately, a few private donors have contributed sufficient funds to revive several modest events. The 3rd Semi-Annual “Keep It in Your Pants Party for Teens” is tentatively scheduled for February 11th at Circle B Recreation in Cedarburg – boys will bowl on lanes 1 – 10, girls on lanes 16 – 25.
A smaller, adult celebration will take place in an undisclosed location in Milwaukee’s Third Ward this year. To attend, frivolous adults are urged to refer to The Mequon News Facebook page, leave a public message vowing temporary celibacy, and await further instructions.