Last Damned Shrub Finally Finds Home

This leafless shrub is now barely recognizable.
This leafless shrub is now barely recognizable.
This leafless shrub is now barely recognizable.

A local Mequon man finally found the energy to plant the final one of a dozen potted shrubs he purchased three weeks ago at 85%-off, clearance prices. They sat in his driveway for one full week, begging to be planted before the snow would fly and the ground would freeze. But rather than picking up a shovel and getting the job done right away, he dibbled and dabbled – planting one on Day Eight, one on Day Nine, then nothing for days to follow.
Last weekend, his behavior was particularly egregious. While the sun was shining for two unseasonably warm days, this achievement-challenged fellow lazed around the house, sipping coffee, eating Racine Kringle and playing online poker.
Finally, on Day 21, this stagnant suburbanite managed to dig the last modest hole that would be home to this poor, scrawny, now dehydrated plant. Chances of the shrub’s survival are estimated to be less than 50%.


  1. I read this article quite some time ago and ever since I’ve had a nagging feeling that something is amiss and feel I must take action. I am not the type to think negatively or assume that fowl play is amidst; in fact I’m known for always looking at things with a glass half full. It behooves me to write this because it brings to surface I actually believe that ill-will is at hand as I write that I have been missing a few trees and shrubbery of my own since last fall. You see, a dear friend promised delivery of said items as a house warming gift and at the time, I thought it was a bit abundant and superfluous, all the same extremely generous and insightful to my unspoken desires. So I began to get rather excited and really look forward to the trees and shrubbery that would surround my premises. I actually envisioned blossoms in the spring and lush leaves bestowing privacy in the summer upon the borders of my modest and humble estate. To this point, it leaves me despairing to tell the story that the promised trees and shrubbery never arrived to plant roots in the soil before it was frozen and then to begin their budding this spring. I have never brought this up to my most generous yet somewhat zealous dear friend as I think it would upset him far more than I. It haunts me to think that someone might have removed them after my friend so delicately placed them on my lawns to have them planted. How am I to inform him that the foliage has vanished before we could even place them in their soil beds for the winter? Indeed this is a dilemma and even difficult for me to compose to you and I hate to think that this article (which was published near after my foliage was delivered and then disappeared!) has anything to do with my misfortune but it is just something I must get off my chest. Of course, I am certain that the shrubbery and trees referred to in this article were purchased and planted in an ethical manner and I apologize for offending anyone.