Shamrock Shake-Up


Mequon authorities were dispatched to the Culver’s restaurant on the corner of Port Washington Rd. and Mequon Rd. at approximately 9:24pm last night after several calls from concerned citizens. A near-riot erupted in the drive-thru lane, spilling out into the parking lot and nearly reaching the One Hour Martinizing lot. Police discovered the source of the disturbance – a1998 Buick LeSabre that had been driven through the Culver’s menuboard.

Officer Kevin Rollins of the Mequon Police Department reports that Shirleen Miley, age 79, became confused and belligerent after ordering a “Shamrock Shake” and being told that they were not available at Culver’s. She laid on her horn and refused to move her vehicle, causing an extended traffic jam and a string of irritated customers.

“She just wouldn’t listen,” exclaimed Gina Verdanken, the Culver’s employee working the drive-thru microphone. “I tried to explain we don’t serve those shakes, that we offer several other delicious and satisfying options, but she insisted I was holding out on her and kept screaming, ‘Shamrock! Shamrock!'”

Several witnesses claim Miley just snapped and intentionally accelerated into the menuboard. Miley claimed that an impatient customer behind her pushed her vehicle into the board. “But I ain’t sorry it happened,” she told the officer. “It’ll teach those smug kids a lesson. It’s blasphemy that Culver’s don’t celebrate this national holiday with an official Shamrock Shake!”

Miley received citations for disturbing the peace and destruction of private property. She will appear in Ozaukee County Court for arraignment on March 19.

While the manager of Culver’s could not be reached for comment, Brian Dillard, local high school senior and assistant manager on duty at the time, said, “Everyone knows McDonald’s makes those, and their drive-thru is open 24 hours. I could rock one of those shakes right now.”